I have spent about $75 so far this week on eating out and drinking while I am studying.

I am getting quite a bit done. On the other hand, I feel that this is ridiculous.

I also feel--after praying about it--that I need to stop blaming myself so much.

It occurs to me as I lie awake here at 4:57 a.m. that I have given up a lifestyle I very much prefer in order to do this graduate student thing. It was nice to be making enough money, and have time to go to the gym, and feel that I was a respected person with a certain amount of authority. Now I am not respected as a student but I have no authority. I am a young person in the program, and I am getting my masters' degree. I am tired of feeling like my house is a mess and I am personally a mess. I want things to be normal and contained and controlled. I want things to be prettier. I want the time to be a girl and also the time to be a professional and I feel like I am 0 for 2 on that score.

I also feel like spending $30 a night on beer is setting back massively on both of those goals. I need to keep praying about that and find alternatives.

If all of my papers rock, however, and I get four A's this semester, it will have been worth it.